Thursday, January 27, 2011

Six months spent in rehab

Darlings, I have all but fallen off the radar!

After my last show, I promised you all a revitalised career, a new look and a string of comeback shows that would keep you titillated and enthralled. Unfortunately, my liver had other plans. After a dazzling night spent drinking Mai Tais with Liza Minnelli in the lounge of the Cocoloco Bar, I had what can only be described as a complete and utter cerebral-renal meltdown.

But I join you now to set the record straight. The reports of my death, as they say, are greatly exaggerated.

First of all, let me clear a few things up.

1. I wasn't in rehab for a drinking problem.

2. Okay I was. Apparently I have been self-medicating with gin just like Joan Rivers does with radical surgery. But at least her surgery hangovers don't leave her comatose on a day bed with drool running down her cheek. Oh. Oh, my mistake.

3. Betty Ford will only play nice if you admit you have a problem. Spending your days hurling abuse and dusty martini glasses is not the way to start over.

4. Ensuring a swift and full recovery from a breakdown episode is only possible with the aid of a heavy cocktail of Vicodin, Valium and a bracing dose of Vermouth.

Darlings, I'm back! And I promise never to leave you again...