Darlings, I have all but fallen off the radar!
After my last show, I promised you all a revitalised career, a new look and a string of comeback shows that would keep you titillated and enthralled. Unfortunately, my liver had other plans. After a dazzling night spent drinking Mai Tais with Liza Minnelli in the lounge of the Cocoloco Bar, I had what can only be described as a complete and utter cerebral-renal meltdown.
But I join you now to set the record straight. The reports of my death, as they say, are greatly exaggerated.
First of all, let me clear a few things up.
1. I wasn't in rehab for a drinking problem.
2. Okay I was. Apparently I have been self-medicating with gin just like Joan Rivers does with radical surgery. But at least her surgery hangovers don't leave her comatose on a day bed with drool running down her cheek. Oh. Oh, my mistake.
3. Betty Ford will only play nice if you admit you have a problem. Spending your days hurling abuse and dusty martini glasses is not the way to start over.
4. Ensuring a swift and full recovery from a breakdown episode is only possible with the aid of a heavy cocktail of Vicodin, Valium and a bracing dose of Vermouth.
Darlings, I'm back! And I promise never to leave you again...
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